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Save the Net

the morals

wherein benjamin emanuel hubbird and casey michael jarman discuss the goings-on of their primary musical endeavor, the morals.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Ben Moral Breaks Edge

[blatantly used without permission of the author]

By Cyril Davis (AKA "Dirty" Mark Baumgarten)
from The Oregon Post

After a ten year hiatus from his notorious amoral behavior, Ben Moral was arrested Monday in possession of 3 kilograms or Repub, the street name for the crushed bones of Republican lawmakers.

A statement from Portland police said that Moral, one half of the short-lived and underloved Portland pop-emo duo the Morals, was apprehended while sailing his yacht across the Willamette River. His intention, the statement said, was to sell the crushed bones to a group of teenagers who play in an Portland emo-pop group called Typhoon. The bones, which are believed to contain pure, uncut evil, have become the drug of choice for young liberals who wish to gain from the overarching power of Republican lawmakers while maintaining their liberal views towards gay marriage and gun control.

“Whenever the political season arises, we see a spike in the use of Repub,” said Portland Police Chief Johnny Law. “But now that the primaries have been pushed forward and candidates seem to spend all their time campaigning rather than attending to their duties as put forth in the Constitution of the United States, well, Repub usage is a constant. It’s an epidemic. Or a pandemic. Or something.”

Where, exactly, Moral procured his powdery payload is not yet known. Although, based on his history, police suspect that he and his partner in crime, Casey Moral, may have been behind a series of recent grave robberies in Salem, where the two were known to unearth Oregon state legislators in the mid-‘90s.

After being apprehended by Salem police in October of 1996, the two swore off the practice and adopted a straight edge policy towards their political lives. They avoided prison time, in exchange for apologies granted to the families of the deceased, a bublic flogging and lifetime probation. Still, rumors persisted that the two had only stopped the practice because they had been selling low-quality Repub.

“I’m not going to confirm that,” Ben Moral told the Weekly Standard in September 1998. “But I will tell you that the street price for low-level state politicians really wasn’t worth the risk. You get a better high sniffing Nancy Reagan’s bra.”

Immediately after the arrest, police searched Moral’s apartment. Amongst various sex toys and a large collection of Beenie Babies, they found a notebook that contained a blueprint to the mausoleum where Rev. Jerry Fallwell’s corpse will be layed to rest later this week. Police said the book also contained names of various of Moral’s cohorts and that the plans were found under the heading “Motherload Mutherfuckers.”